Back on Medication

    Over the years I have been on and off medications, not because of being unwilling to take them or being irresponsible, but because I have gone through periods of time where I have done well without them.  For me these seem to coincide with times that follow making significant progress in my processing of traumatic events and reaching another level of healing.  I have wanted to do without medications as much as possible.

    That said, about six years ago when things were at their worst with some really heavy-duty repressed memories that were coming up, I needed the buffer of the medications because of how traumatic the things were that were coming up.  Something is going with me again; I've been very triggered for the past several days and I haven't figured out what's going on yet, but I've felt myself spiraling downward again, feeling exhausted but avoiding sleep/not sleeping well, generalized anxiety and worry, etc.  The triggered state was at its worst on Saturday, and after the major episode I had the hardest time focusing on anything, from reading to attending to what someone was saying to me to difficulty verbalizing my own thoughts or formulating responses to things people were saying to me.  I haven't had this happen in a really, really long time and it took me back at least six or seven years to one of my darkest periods.

    I went into the dr. today and am going back on Wellbutrin, as well an anti-anxiety medication to use as needed for extreme anxiety, panic attacks, etc.  On some levels I feel really frustrated with this, but I also know it's the right thing for now.  Either my system is ready to release more repressed stuff or I am far more terrified at the prospect of initiating no contact with my mother than I have acknowledged.  I think things are headed that direction and just thinking about it makes me feel upset.  I actually wish I was living in a state of no contact; it's the process of getting there that I'm dreading.  Tomorrow I am also calling a therapist one of my friends recommended to me who is female, gets narcissism, accepts and "gets" what complex PTSD is and has helped my friend a lot.  I feel like I need the extra support as I go through the process of deciding how best to handle my particular situation.  Sometimes I've felt like shooting off a No Contact letter, but keep having the feeling that I need to do it with the support and guidance of an experienced counselor.

    Tonight I have felt so depressed and discouraged, like nothing will ever get better.  I have put so much work into trying to move forward in my life and to be a happy person.  I want a life of abundance and joy.  I've tried to put my personal hurts aside and look for ways to do good in the world and help other people.  Right now it feels like it's all for naught.  I've had times over the past few weeks that I've felt very self-destructive and like I just want to die. I feel like my family would be better off without me and that I am all the failures my parents told me I would be one day if I didn't measure up to certain things.

   So. . .back on the ride.  Here we go again.  And somehow I need to do this and not completely neglect my family.

How Early Maternal Bonding and Trauma Affect Nervous System Development; The Link to Chronic Illness and Physical Responses to Stress

    I found this site almost by accident earlier last year; this was before I made the narcissism connection.  It gave me some unexpected answers as to why my body responds the way it does to stress.  For the longest time I would refer to this thing that would happen to me that I called "freezing" where internally I felt paralyzed and couldn't do anything.

    She talks about the role maternal bonding plays in the development of the nervous system, even while the baby is still in the womb.  It doesn't finish developing until age 6, I think (it's been awhile since I read through all of this and I'm dealing with a lot of brain fog right now, so I may be wrong on the exact age).  Lack of emotional bonding in utero causes the baby's nervous system to already be underdeveloped at birth, and trauma in utero and in early childhood further disrupts that development.  Finding this gave me a lot of "aha" moments that helped me to make sense of physical responses I've had throughout adulthood that didn't make sense to me.  When the freeze responses started I had trouble even doing my dishes and did a lot of guilting, telling myself I was lazy and just not wanting to get things done.

    The link I'm providing  takes you to a page that gives kind of an overview, and then if you click on the links on the left sidebar you'll find more information.  When you click on "theory" it will put up more links that explain the responses.

    I've been told that my mother had no emotional connection to me whatsoever when she was pregnant with me.  After delivery she just wanted to sleep, and back then they just whisked the babies back to the nursery anyway. I have a lot of indications that she didn't rock me, etc. and was frustrated when I cried a lot (my stomach hurt all the time.  I actually have a memory of standing in my crib crying and her coming in and scolding me to stop). By age three I had been sexually abused at least once (but I strongly suspect I had been on multiple occasions by that time), and when I was four and a half I was raped by one of my uncles (father's half brother).  All this in addition to being yelled at and belittled all. the. time. So it makes sense that not only was I born with an underdeveloped nervous system, but the further development that takes place after birth was disrupted not just once from a traumatic event but many times.

    A lot of things clicked when I read all of this.  My fight or flight response was always activated and so as an adult it can get triggered by seemingly small stressors, registering those smaller things as much bigger issues than they are.  When this happens it elicits some of the extreme responses she talks about.  This was the first time I had seen the term "freeze" used and to describe what happens to me.

http://www.veroniquemead.com/somatic_bkgd.php

Link To a Good Overview on Emotional Abuse and More About Me

   Today I was checking posts on a recovery group I belong to, and one of the members posted this link explaining emotional abuse. This explains it so well, and also has a link to a pdf workbook you can print for free, so I thought I'd share it here.

http://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/what-is-emotional-child-abuse/

   There are so many aspects to the types of abuse I went through growing up that sometimes it feels overwhelming, like "which one should I be working on right now?"  As the author on this blog points out, though, and I hadn't really thought about this before, emotional abuse comes into play with every other kind of abuse. Demoralizing and devaluing a child and making them feel unworthy and like they can't trust what their sensibilities tell them totally primes them for other types of abuse.

   Here is a rundown of the types of abuse I survived:

*Narcissistic Parental Abuse (I was put in scapegoat role)

*Emotional Abuse

*Physical Abuse

*Sexual Abuse

. . .and as a result of all of that, as an adult I now deal with a form of PTSD called Complex PTSD.  I didn't know for the longest time that I had PTSD, and once I started connecting the dots it made sense of difficulties I have had in functioning as an adult.  I "freeze" a lot, and this affects how well I do with keeping up with housework (which I am only recently realizing is a huge trigger for me in and of itself) and other day-to-day things.  I go through periods of times where I do better than others, but for the most part that is really hard for me.

    In addition, besides my own issues, I am married to a wonderful, kind, sweet man who loves me and also has PTSD.  That particular aspect was identified a long time before I realized that PTSD was part of my puzzle, as well; for a long time mine was referred to as "depression."  He is a survivor of satanic ritual abuse (I refuse to capitalize that), which encompasses every other kind of abuse in the systematic, deliberate horrors its perpetrators force upon its child victims to the nth degree. Besides the abuses I have listed above, these victims are also terrorized in more unspeakable ways which include being forced to witness human and animal sacrifice, and sometimes being taken to the brink of death themselves.  My husband was drowned and then recuscitated repeatedly as part of this. As a result of how absolutely horrific all of this was, his PTSD extends into a dissociative disorder. It's a strange feeling to be in both the role of supporter and the one in need of support; when he's having a really bad time I feel like I have to put all my stuff on the back burner to make sure he is okay. Sometimes I wonder how our marriage works, but it does.  We have had to do some adjusting and tweaking along the way and I am having to learn to not fall into a codependent role.  Something that helps, and a blessing I am thankful for, is that we are never down at our lowest at the same time.  The one that is doing the best during the other's dark times pulls up more slack and we manage to keep some balance.  I have been really thankful for this--he pitches in more with housework, etc. during my "freeze" periods and never gives me a hard time about what I don't get done.

    We have two fantastic children.  I am so thankful for them and for the kinds of people they are, for the kinds of people they CHOOSE to be.  As the children of two people who survived trauma and have PTSD they have seen a lot of low points where Mom or Dad isn't doing too swell. They are both young adults who are doing great things with their lives. They are both very strong people who have also endured hard things they shouldn't have as a result of having us as their parents.

    My hope and prayer is that I, my husband, and our children will be able to reach a place of peace and healing in our lives so that this cycle can be broken once and for all on this branch of the family tree.  Not only for future generations, but for US, as well. I have great hope that we can achieve that.

    You know what, I think this is the first time I have just matter-of-factly said up front what all of my issues are, as well as what my husband deals with.  It feels pretty good to be able to just say it like it is; unfortunately, this isn't the kind of stuff you can just share with people.