Onions, Juggling Balls and Exposed Wires

    I was just glancing at the subtitle under the name of my blog here, where it says, "Working Each Day Toward Wholeness."  It seems a little ironic for how crappy I'm feeling today, but I'm also reminded of a time in my life several years ago that was very dark, and how I realized that progress can look very different from day to day, and that applies to what our best is, as well.  My best effort on one day may look outwardly like I have a lot on the ball because of getting many "checklist tasks" done, finishing projects, having a full work schedule, etc. but yet another day my great accomplishment is that I'm vertical and moving.

    It's great to understand that and I'm glad I came to that realization that long ago, but the lack of consistency really frustrates me.  I am the kind of person who likes to be busy and out there, but I swear that most of my adulthood has been such a struggle that way.  When I was younger, especially during my college years, I was busy ALL THE TIME, often overextending myself and keeping too many balls in the air--and in a lot of ways I was great at it.  Now it feels like all my balls fell to the ground and occasionally I find one and am able to to toss it up and catch it for a bit before becoming so exhausted that I don't even have the energy to remember where I let it land when I'm done with it.

    Today my nerves are shot.  I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in about a week; I'm often getting to bed too late (even for me) and then only sleeping for about 6 hours.  When night comes I feel a compulsion to stay up, even if I am tired, and my anxiety level is pretty high.  During times like this I become fearful of driving, worry more about my family members' safety when they are out and about, etc.  This past month the anxiety has been worse than it has been in years, and when it rears up this way I feel immobilized.

    Honestly, in some ways it feels like I have regressed by 5 or 6 years.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am in a healing process and that it goes in layers, like peeling an onion (Shrek would agree with me).  You peel back one layer and work through the stuff you find underneath it, and then after a period of time it's pretty cleaned up and you feel better.  Then the next layer starts cracking with the stuff underneath it that needs to come out and you have to deal with that.  Fortunately, my experience has been that although it DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES, that next layer doesn't start cracking until your system knows you are strong enough to handle it.

    This spiritual abuse layer I'm working on is brutal and is really doing a number on me.  I was given the recommendation to read the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen and started it this past week.  It is excellent and I felt a lot of comfort when I started reading it, just in the introductory pages.  As I'm going through it, though, so much is resonating with me and a lot of stuff is coming up.  This is scary territory for me, given how intertwined in my upbringing religious tenets were.  I'm very much going against the grain by looking at this squarely and actually stating my feelings, so on some levels it feels like rebellion (which in and of itself is not allowable if you want to be a faithful person and be in favor with God).  Scary stuff. In some ways I feel like I don't even know who I really am and it's very disconcerting in a lot of ways.

    I was in the car driving home a little bit ago and reflected that I feel like the end of a set of coated wires where all the wires are exposed.  I feel like all my nerve endings are exposed and raw.  It's icky.  But I'm determined to see this process through, rather than go back into denial, stuff my feelings with food or start getting busy to distract myself.

Back on Medication

    Over the years I have been on and off medications, not because of being unwilling to take them or being irresponsible, but because I have gone through periods of time where I have done well without them.  For me these seem to coincide with times that follow making significant progress in my processing of traumatic events and reaching another level of healing.  I have wanted to do without medications as much as possible.

    That said, about six years ago when things were at their worst with some really heavy-duty repressed memories that were coming up, I needed the buffer of the medications because of how traumatic the things were that were coming up.  Something is going with me again; I've been very triggered for the past several days and I haven't figured out what's going on yet, but I've felt myself spiraling downward again, feeling exhausted but avoiding sleep/not sleeping well, generalized anxiety and worry, etc.  The triggered state was at its worst on Saturday, and after the major episode I had the hardest time focusing on anything, from reading to attending to what someone was saying to me to difficulty verbalizing my own thoughts or formulating responses to things people were saying to me.  I haven't had this happen in a really, really long time and it took me back at least six or seven years to one of my darkest periods.

    I went into the dr. today and am going back on Wellbutrin, as well an anti-anxiety medication to use as needed for extreme anxiety, panic attacks, etc.  On some levels I feel really frustrated with this, but I also know it's the right thing for now.  Either my system is ready to release more repressed stuff or I am far more terrified at the prospect of initiating no contact with my mother than I have acknowledged.  I think things are headed that direction and just thinking about it makes me feel upset.  I actually wish I was living in a state of no contact; it's the process of getting there that I'm dreading.  Tomorrow I am also calling a therapist one of my friends recommended to me who is female, gets narcissism, accepts and "gets" what complex PTSD is and has helped my friend a lot.  I feel like I need the extra support as I go through the process of deciding how best to handle my particular situation.  Sometimes I've felt like shooting off a No Contact letter, but keep having the feeling that I need to do it with the support and guidance of an experienced counselor.

    Tonight I have felt so depressed and discouraged, like nothing will ever get better.  I have put so much work into trying to move forward in my life and to be a happy person.  I want a life of abundance and joy.  I've tried to put my personal hurts aside and look for ways to do good in the world and help other people.  Right now it feels like it's all for naught.  I've had times over the past few weeks that I've felt very self-destructive and like I just want to die. I feel like my family would be better off without me and that I am all the failures my parents told me I would be one day if I didn't measure up to certain things.

   So. . .back on the ride.  Here we go again.  And somehow I need to do this and not completely neglect my family.