A week ago today, last Wednesday, was my mother's birthday. With the very limited contact we have had over the past year and a half, with a LOT of coldness on her part, I haven't been sure what to do about the upcoming holiday season (I'm sure I will end up posting about what happened last year as it gets ever closer). My mind has been mulling that one over quite a bit and I hadn't considered her birthday quite as much. If we didn't live in such close proximity to her I think it would be easier; as it happens, we live about a mile away and it takes about 15 minutes to walk to her house. So mailing a card seemed weird, which it would not if we didn't live in the same area. The way she has acknowledged our birthdays for the last year has been to put a card on our door, so I wondered if I should do that. Then there was the question of whether or not to include a gift. For years I spent time and money trying to find the "perfect" gift, whether spending more money than I could really afford or spending a lot of time making something that probably was much more of a labor of love to me than any amount of appreciation she felt for what I did.
A huge part of me just wanted to let the day pass and not do anything, but I have chosen up to this point to keep up appearances as far as doing minimum acknowledgments. I haven't written an official letter to her stating that I don't want contact, so at this point it's "limited contact." Nothing verbally has been said along these lines; it's all unspoken and truthfully, at this point I'm kind of following her cue. I tried being gracious last year at the holidays and this past year with Mother's Day and she has been extremely cold.
So last Monday my daughter and I went to the dollar store to look at cards (I refuse to spend more than that on some sappy, beautiful card that is nothing but lies and add to the self-deception she has going on). We looked through them, joking about some and finally settling on a humorous one that said something to the effect of letting the diet go and treating yourself, and I got a tray of small Hershey bars to go with it. My daughter bought her a Cherry Coke and a package of Mambas, saying there was some sentimental value there because when she was little and we would go to a particular church-related event, the only thing that made it bearable to her was that Grandma had Mambas in her purse and would give them to her and our son. When we first went into the store I saw some cute autumn-colored ceramic bowls and thought of getting one, putting treats in it and wrapping it up cute with cellophane and ribbon (I'm one of those craft girls). My daughter said, "It seems to me that that wouldn't be a good idea since it would give encouragement to someone you really don't want anything to do with." I had so much conflict inside over what was enough, if I was being a terrible daughter, should I be planning to pay her a visit and try to smooth things over, was I being petty and if I wasn't was it LOOKING petty to not do more, etc. Also thinking to myself that I wouldn't want my children alienating me later in life; was this the kind of treatment I was setting up for myself by doing this?
When we got home I had a full-blown panic attack. I was so agitated. I couldn't focus, I felt sick, I was became so tired that it was hard to move. I felt like I had a vice around my head and that there was a weight pushing on top of it. It culminated in a migraine aura at 3:00 a.m. At first I didn't make the connection between the aura and the panic attack but realized that it happened as I was coming off the panic attack. It was scary to have that much of my vision obstructed. The next day I felt better but realized that my body was showing me that I need to take my boundaries with her very seriously. If that was the reaction I was getting just from considering talking to her or seeing her, then I definitely need to not do that. How much louder does my system have to scream at me? If it wasn't a parent then maybe it would be different. I have that "honor your parents" thing so firmly rooted as something that good people do that it really does hurt me to feel like I'm not doing that. I have to remind myself over and over of something a former therapist told me, and that is that you bring honor to your parents through the way you live your life. I even have to rework that in my brain to clarify to myself that that is not why I choose to live a good life; I try to live my life with integrity and goodness because that is who I am and the kind of person I want to be, not because I'm trying to make my parents look good.
My daughter alleviated a lot of stress that next day when I was mulling over how to deliver the card and treats when she said, "I'll walk over and visit her for a few minutes and take it over (she did this a couple of months ago one day without me knowing it and I was really surprised because she has had a lot of painful Grandma issues to work through. She said it went surprisingly well and she felt good about doing it because it was on her terms); I haven't visited for a couple of months and I was going to show her the dress I used the birthday money she gave me towards anyway." She also said she would tell her I had to go out of town for a meeting and suggested I call one of my friends who lives in a nearby town and go to dinner so she wasn't lying. LOL
The Big Day turned out to be a good day. When I woke up I didn't feel good about my daughter visiting with her and had the distinct feeling that she might be greeted with coldness because if my mother was angry that I wasn't there it was very likely that she would take it out on her. I told her that and so we decided to go to lunch and drop the stuff off in a little gift bag on her porch before she got home. We had such a nice time having lunch together and I was so thankful for her support through the day! After that we came home and rested for a couple of hours (I didn't sleep well the night before and still felt drained from the anxiety attack) before meeting my friend for dinner.
This friend was a particularly wonderful choice for going out with because she has the same kind of mother I do. We met sometime ago through a support group and have met for lunch a couple of times. Her husband works nights and so I knew there would be a possibility that she couldn't get together for dinner, but she said that it just so happened that he had that night off. It was so cool that it worked out that way. We met at The Cracker Barrel for dinner and talked for about two and a half hours. She insisted that we get cake and ice cream for dessert, and I thought that it was so awesome that that was how I was "celebrating" my mother's birthday. Her mother's birthday was in July so it was therapeutic for her, too. We decided that we need to do this every year on our mother's birthdays. My outlook as I drove home was 100% better than it was before; it helped so much to be able to talk with someone who "gets it."
Another good thing that came out of the night was her telling me more about her therapist. I have felt for a little while that maybe I should start seeing someone again so I have that extra source of support, as well as a sounding board as I work through things, but have been hesitant to start therapist shopping. It's been several years and the one I was seeing passed away a couple of years ago. He was excellent and helped me with a lot of things, including boundary setting. Knowing now that narcissism is part of the package I'm dealing with, as well as needing someone who really understands the effects on a person who has a narcissistic parent and won't minimize them, has made me kind of dread the process of finding a therapist who fits. As my friend told me more about her therapist I felt this would be a good person for me to see. It's a woman, she understands narcissism, understands complex PTSD (which I am very certain I have but there are a lot of therapists who aren't buying into it as being a real condition or one that needs to be treated differently than the more commonly acknowledged version of PTSD), and as she talked about her approaches and methods I felt really good about it. I came away having enjoyed uplifting company, a good chef salad, the best chocolate cake I think I have ever had in my life (Cracker Barrel Coca-Cola Chocolate Cake, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways! Holy freaking cow, if cake could be candy that one is it), an enjoyable time looking around the store afterward, and a business card with her therapist's contact information.
Oh, I forgot to add that my mom didn't get the little Hershey bars in the bag because I ate them. Defiantly. It felt good. When all was said and done, once that stupid gift bag was on her porch I never looked back.
I did get a text from my mother the next day saying thanks for the treats and that "the thought was nice." A lot of people wouldn't see anything wrong with that but those who deal with this kind of person recognize the barb that was included. By saying "The thought was nice" she was also saying, "But the gift was not."
Pretty sure I need to go no contact, but I'm not internally strong enough at this point to do it on my own. The more my friend and I talked at dinner the more I realized that I felt happy with the way I was choosing to handle the night. I loved how free I felt. This is an issue I plan on working on when I start with this therapist.
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