Evidences of Healing

     I probably should have updated the blog here a lot sooner than now, especially with what a downer my last post was.  I didn't realize until a couple of months ago that I had gone so long without posting and have meant to update, but time has gotten away from me.

     I have seen a lot of progress since I last posted, and to start things off I want to share a couple of things that I shared in a support group back in April.  The things I posted about had actually happened a couple of months earlier, so happened right after that last blog post.  After that it has seemed that my healing process has sped up in so many ways, and there are good things happening.

     First I started noticing that I was handling certain situations better than I would have in the past, or that things that once freaked me out weren't doing that anymore.  Then I noticed that where boundaries are concerned, I wasn't having to overthink how to respond in certain situations; I was just automatically responding in healthier ways.  This told me that the things I've been learning and working on had become more integrated.  It has been a cool feeling after the fact to be able to say, "Wow, I handled that really well," and as time has gone on there has been less of a physiological response.  At first, "handling it well" was eliciting kind of a panic letdown response.

     Right around this time I had two things happen in rapid succession that blew my own mind. LOL  The first happened when I went back to an exercise club after avoiding going for quite awhile because my mother goes there and 1)  I didn't want to run into her and 2) I didn't want to deal with question like, "How is your mom doing?"  I finally decided I needed to quit shooting myself in the foot and went back during a time I knew she wouldn't  be there.  As I was signing in the owner said it was good to see me, and then asked how my daughter is (in regards to the health challenges she has been dealing with).  Then she said, "I've been keeping up that way because your mom keeps me updated."  Before I knew what was happening I said, "Huh, that is so weird because she doesn't even speak to me."  She got a little bit of a startled look on her face then leaned forward and with a lowered voice said, "Well, sometimes your mom has kind of an attitude."  I said, "Actually, she has an attitude all. the. time."  And you know what?  I had an awesome workout and I now have a much more comfortable relationship with the owner than I ever have before.  I realized after that incident that I while I do need to use wise judgment as far as how much to say, when and to whom, I don't have to live in fear of every single person on the planet judging me if I don't keep up my mother's fake little facade.  The owner has been so much more relaxed and congenial with me; I don't know if it's just that my manner has changed and I came across as a lot more "Leave me alone," than I realized before, or if it has more to do with her own personal experiences in dealing with my mother.  I suspect a combination of both.  Anyway, it felt awesome to just call it like it was and not go along with the statement about my mom keeping her updated, because anything she would be saying would be her making stuff up or telling what she might have heard through someone besides me.  I am so done with that crap.

     About two days later I was in the Walmart parking lot getting ready to leave.  This lady parked next to me and slammed into the passenger side of my van when she opened her door and was about to go on her way without even checking for damage.  I was kind of stunned but then rolled my window down and said, "Excuse me, did you just hit my van/'  She stopped and said, "Yes ma'am, just a little bit."  I said, "Is there a dent in it?" and she then checked and said no.  Then I asked her if she would have checked it if I hadn't said anything and she said, "Yes, ma'am."  I then said, "Okay then," and rolled my window back up.  And then I was like, "What did I just do???"  Once upon a time I would have just let her go on her way and then been upset for the rest of the night.  Totally did not see that coming!!!

     Besides these events being huge in and of themselves, what really stunned me was how automatic and spontaneous my responses were.  They were instant and the thought process was completely in the moment.  That told me right away that I was making a lot of progress internally.

     I have more to write about, but that seemed like a good way to get back on here and say howdy. :)