Circus? No Thanks

     I have a LOT that I need to catch up on, but today I'm going to do a couple of posts concerning conversations that happened today.

     One thing I am really happy about in regards to my healing is how much stronger my boundaries have become.  As a child of a narcissist, I was taught that I had no rights and that anything I wanted or needed were secondary to what my mother's wants and desires were.  This extended past her and to everyone around me, through the ways that she defined my role in the family.  Often I was given the message that I was selfish if I didn't give younger siblings what they wanted, even to the extent that my privacy was invaded. Some of my siblings, and one in particular was a "master mind" at this, caught on to the game so well that they learned to manipulate situations in such a way that they got away with things and managed to get me in trouble in the process.  If I would try to defend myself I was chastised because they were younger than me, and how dare I pick on the younger kids like that?

     As I matured I tended to gravitate to friends who were either "friends," meaning that they were controlling and took advantage of me, or to kids who were shunned by my peers.  I felt sorry for the latter and wanted to be kind, but I think that in a way I also felt more comfortable.  I was in a little bit better of a place than they were and they weren't as difficult to interact with as the majority of the kids.  With the kids who tended to take advantage of me, I can see where having a parent who treated me the way she did conditioned me to gravitate to those kinds of kids and yearn to be accepted by them.  When you have a parent who dangles acceptance like carrot in front of you constantly, that becomes normal to you and so it becomes a familiar thing that you are drawn to outside of the home.  For the longest time I couldn't figure out why as I've gone through life I've always managed to find myself in the position of either being used for what someone could get out of me or often feeling like a "third wheel" and being overlooked.  As I have learned more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, it has helped me to understand that dynamic.

The more I have pulled back from interacting with my mother, the stronger my boundaries have become. I've spent quite a bit more time alone over this past year, outside of my own husband and children, as I've become unwilling to put myself in situations where I am used.  It's been very interesting to see the people who have naturally dropped out of my life because I am no longer the girl who says yes to everything and is so desperate for approval.  In some instances it has been hurtful, but it has also been gratifying to me to realize that I recognize characteristics in people now whom I would be better off staying away from.  I've realized that the relationships that have dropped out of my life really weren't worth having in the first place.  I would rather have a small, genuine group of people around me than a large number of people who are insincere and only have their own interests at heart.

     Every now and then I almost get pulled into thinking that a small interaction with my mother is safe, and every time I do I end up sorry.  I'm no longer having the violent physiological reactions to the things that do occur, and I'm so thankful for that.  But it always puts me in some kind of compromising situation, and I'm just better off not going there.

     Today I saw a quote that really grabbed my attention.  I think the context it was given in was intended to be different than how it struck me, but WOW!!!  It was powerful in the way I saw it:

"Entertain a clown, become part of the circus."

     
I'm going to copy this and put it on my refrigerator and/or make some kind of art project out of it to hang somewhere (hello, tole painting--we really need to become acquainted again).  It really says it all when you put it in the context of what the consequences are of engaging a narcissist.  No matter how good and pure your intentions and no matter how well-behaved you are, you will become part of their circus.  And I'm much happier not being a part of the show.