Scapegoat To Mountain Goat

    A friend share this link today and I thought it very concisely summed up the dynamics of the scapegoat role in the abusive family system.  As I read it I felt like I was reading about myself exactly.  I really like the insights into healing, and the visual of transforming from scapegoat to a mountain goat.  Awesome!  There are quite a few good blogs and websites out there on narcissism and the family dynamics that come out of that and I will probably compile a list of links in the near future, but wanted to share this while I was thinking about it.  It isn't an overwhelming amount of information and is a pretty easy, quick read.

From Scapegoat To Mountain Goat

Me and God

    How do people who have been through abuse view and feel about God?  Assuming that God is real, is it okay for someone who has felt largely abandoned and unprotected in so many aspects of life to figuratively give him the finger?

    Because that is how I feel sometimes.  I may have mentioned before (and maybe not, I can't remember at the moment and I'm not going to go through previous postings to see) that I was raised in a very religious environment.  The geographical area I live in is predominantly one particular Christian denomination, and the community I am in has the highest concentration of members. Since looking at my internal world honestly I have felt like screaming and running away as fast as I can.  In saying this, I am not saying that the religion I belong to is wrong and I am not going to go into the specifics of which one it is, because I don't want others to pass judgment based on what my personal experiences have been.  My life has been largely enriched by my church activity and associations, with certain meaningful experiences coming at crucial times in my life that guided my path in what I believe to have been the right directions for me.  These experiences brought wonderful people into my life, brought about the circumstances where I met my husband, and in general have shaped me into the kind of person I am.  There has been a certain protection in choosing to follow the standards of living recommended in the church guidelines, and I am thankful for that.

    But here's the thing.  And it smacked me right between the eyes at one point during this past year what a conflicted relationship I have with God.  On some levels I really hate him (sorry, God).  And then I feel guilty when I consider all the ways my life has been blessed and I have recognized His hand in events that have taken place.  And I feel guilty because I'm supposed to love Him.  And I do love Him. . .but, wait.  I WANT to love Him, but it has always felt to me like I have to earn His love.  That He loves me IF.  Or AS LONG AS.  Or UNTIL or UNLESS.  IF I am good enough.  AS LONG as I do what's right, exactly right. UNTIL I make a mistake. UNLESS I screw up, even if I don't realize I'm screwing up.  Oh, I have always felt that other shoe ready to drop.

    That defining moment that smacked me between the eyes was realizing how much I FEARED God, and how that fear had reached into every facet of my life and was ruling every single decision I made, even on a day to day basis with seemingly small and insignificant things that really should be no big deal in the grand scheme of things.  The stress of that has caused me so much anxiety, sometimes to the point of it being debilitating. And I realized that my whole religious experience has been colored by my mother's view, and that I have seen through her filter, which is very warped.  When I read verses in scripture, that "or else" comes out loud and clear to me, and it's my mother's rhetoric and tone that I experience in my head.  It took me quite awhile to accept the fact that there was spiritual abuse in my home growing up.

    I told my husband that if God is a God of fear, I don't want anything to do with him.  Fear and love can't exist in the same place and we are told that God is a God of love, but I have rarely felt that.  What I have felt most of the time is the fear and a desperate yearning to be worthy of His love.  I decided that I need space, or what someone described to me as "fallow time" in regards to church, so I can sort this out and stop seeing and hearing everything through my mother's filter. It's kind of a weird place to be in and I actually never thought I would be that person, but here I am.  And I think I am doing the right thing distancing myself from the organized aspect of church, even though this is new and sometimes scary territory for me.  In a way I am putting God to the test.  If He really loves me unconditionally, then He understands why I need to do this and isn't angry with me.  He wants me to feel His love.  And if church is triggering me (which it has been), then I need to not be there because I need to keep myself safe.  I am trusting that He will reach out to me in loving, joyful ways to help me along.

When I Saw Frozen. . .and Maleficent Made an Appearance

    I posted a little while ago about how much the Disney animated movie Frozen resonated with me.  I watched the Demi Lovato music video of the song "Let It Go" again today, and again found myself in tears.  I've made a mental note several times to write about my experience the day my husband and I went to see the movie and keep forgetting, so I'm doing it now while I'm thinking about it.

    My husband took me to see the movie on December 30, on the heels of what was a very difficult Christmas season and me crying a LOT the night before.  I felt so desolate.  Besides so many emotional issues, I also became very, very sick the week before Christmas and the virus I had lasted two weeks.  I have rarely felt so exhausted in every single way possible, and that's how I was that day.  So much of the movie spoke to what I'm going through internally right now.  So much with the Elsa character is what I've had to do emotionally my entire life.  I'm kind of obsessed with the aforementioned song "Let It Go."  And it made me wish I could shoot snow through my fingers. ;)  I love the scene where she sings the song and how transformative it is!

    Before the movie they showed a preview for Disney's upcoming movie Maleficent.  Can you say triggered? I want to see that movie but I need to make sure I am in a damned good place first.  I find it slightly terrifying that they are putting that character into live action.  Why, you might ask?

    I was obsessed with Sleeping Beauty as a little girl.  I was born in 1966, and so a lot of the storybooks I had were those huge Big Golden Books they had of the Disney stories back then; richly illustrated and columns of text on every page.  I couldn't get enough of Sleeping Beauty and by the age of 3 I had the entire book memorized, down to when to turn the page and where to focus my eyes.  I fooled a babysitter into thinking I could read when I was three, asking her if she wanted me to read her a story.  When my parents came home she said, "Did you know she can READ???" and told them how I had read her the Sleeping Beauty book. Anyway.  I loved that book and I loved the movie when I saw it at about the age of 5.  I realized several years ago that not only was I in love with the story, but I identified myself with the Princess Aurora character and in my little mind I identified my mother with Maleficent.  That is how scared of my mother I was.  When they played the preview for this upcoming movie I had tears rolling down my face. Great date, huh?

    My poor husband.  He tries so hard.  When he first came home with the preview for Maleficent saved on his iPad he was really excited to show it to me because he knows I love Sleeping Beauty. Part of my Inner Child nurturing has been collecting Sleeping Beauty figures and vintage items from when the movie was first made.  He has given me Sleeping Beauty figurines to add to my collection and last year purchased the Thomas Kinkade print for me.  He wasn't expecting me to look sick to my stomach.  Angelina Jolie plays the character and it looks like she is going to do a fantastic job, which makes it that much more chilling.

    Hubby didn't realize fully why it was so upsetting to me; to him it was just really cool that they were going to put the Sleeping Beauty story into live action.  We talked for awhile and I explained to him that as a child, when I would look at those pictures of Maleficent in my book, I saw my mother.  Some of the expressions I would see on my mother's face and the coldness I would hear in her voice at times, as well as the coldness I was treated with at times, matched. And as I learned about God and the devil at church, I associated the devil with Maleficent.  How much worse can it get in a child's mind than an adult who wants to kill a baby or a child?  It doesn't get scarier than that.  So if Maleficent looked like the devil to me and what she did felt like things my mother did, Mother=Maleficent=Devil.  To me I was living with the devil. And if I didn't do things exactly right she WOULD hurt me.

   So, yeah.  That movie is going to be spooky on some levels for me, but I expect that I will also gain some insights that will help me with my healing since the story is so significant to me.

    I did come away from Frozen feeling a sense of empowerment.  I wanted to get the soundtrack afterward but they were out at Walmart. We stopped by Barnes and Noble because there was a book I wanted to pick up.  My husband surprised me as I was going through the section of books I was in by handing me a clear bag with the deluxe soundtrack in it, and he had tears in his eyes.  I am blessed to be married to such a sweet, supportive man.  He had told me he was going to another section while I browsed and stopped by the music section first, where they only had three left.  I listened to it over and over again after we got home.

From One Scapegoat to Another; a Conversation About Narcissism

    A few days ago I was blessed to be able to draw on my experiences to help a friend.  I have to say that when this happens, it helps me to make some sense out of what I have been through.  Besides breaking the cycle of abuse that has existed in my family for generations, especially on my mother's side, the only thing that gives me a sense of purpose in it is when I am able to help other people who are navigating similar challenges through the things I've learned so far in my healing process.  I don't know if this gives me a sense of self-importance; I suppose that is in there to a degree, but if it is I believe it's largely due to the fact that I felt so insignificant and passed over for so much of my life.  Everyone needs to know that they are important, and when I am able to help someone it does fill that need to an extent for me.  I don't think that is all there is to it, though--I genuinely care about people and it truly makes me happy to see other people become happier, and if I am blessed to be a part of it the feeling is amazing.

    This friend was talking about some dynamics going on in her family that sounded very much to me like she is dealing with a narcissistic family system in her family of origin, and finds herself put in scapegoat role.  I've thought this a few times when we've talked and sent her some information several months ago, but I don't think she was completely ready for it.  This time she was talking about some realization she had made, including the fact that no one in her family truly cares about her enough to try and make relationships work. For a long time she's been wondering what is wrong with her, and I have to say that she is someone who I consider to be very lovely, talented, and a dedicated wife and mother who is very good at seeing the big picture as she guides her children through life experiences.  We don't live in the same immediate area, so most of our correspondence is in writing.  I kept having the persistent feeling that I needed to share information with her again (I had actually forgotten that I had already tried before). I wanted to be sure that I wasn't projecting my own issues into what she had shared and so didn't act immediately when I had that feeling, but it persisted and so I did, including some links for her to go to on scapegoating and the narcissistic family.  We ended up having some great back and forth conversation, and I decided to share here what I shared with her, since I haven't done a post on narcissism here up to this point. I've needed to get this out but it's very draining, so since I put all the time in to what I shared with her, it makes sense to use it for this post.  I'm not going to include her part of the conversation and am paraphrasing quite a bit on my part to fill in the gaps, but taking from that to illustrate some of the dynamics that have gone on in my family of origin. With that, I share the following:

    In order to fully understand why you are treated the way you are when you are a product of a narcissistic family system, it's important to understand the family dynamics.  I had some epiphanies last year from some realizations I had about the way my family of origin (FOO) functions and how that related to the treatment I have received over the years and continue to receive, especially from my mother.  Figuring this out gave so much clarity to the situation; up until then I kept thinking everything was my fault and was constantly put in the position of being the one taking the fall for things or feeling like I needed to make things right, even with no efforts being made on their part.  In my family, my mother is a malignant narcissist and my father (now deceased) enabled her behavior.  In some families that have this dynamic, it's the opposite and in some, both parents are narcissists.  They can't "function" without a fall guy to dump their trash on, which is the scapegoat role,  Narcissists are literally incapable of true love and compassion, because everything is about them and how they project themselves outwardly to the rest of the world.  Therefore, family members simply play an assigned role in making that image happen, and to stay in favor with the narcissist the family members revolve around him or her.  Everything stems back to staying in favor or avoiding certain reactions or consequences for not complying to the way the narcissist wants things to be.

    I will say that finding these answers provided a LOT of relief for me because I realized that most of the stuff I got shouldered with was not mine, but other people's stuff that got projected onto me.  This affected my self-concept and a lot of other aspects of my life, as well as groomed me for further abuses.  On the one hand it's very freeing, but on the other hand it's a lot to take in, as well, and there is grief that comes with acceptance. It's hard to come to grips with some of the dynamics of this system.

    A common thread in narcissistic parents is that they went through abuse themselves and often endured very hard circumstances. They were the "black sheep" or felt rejected in other ways, and thus they become obsessed with how other people see them because of their insecurities.  When they have children, they don't see the children as individual beings with their own characteristics, abilities, likes and dislikes, etc.  They see them as an extension of themselves. 

  There is a really weird dynamic that goes on with the scapegoating. Even from the time the child(ren) are infants, they are looking for signs of weaknesses or characteristics that they despise in themselves.  Even if the child doesn't possess those traits, the parent decides that they do and treats them accordingly.  It's a kind of transferrance and it's like the child becomes their "trash can."  They dump their projected rage, rejection, withholding of affection, abuse, etc. onto the child and they then feel better.  In my mother's case, she did this to me and then actually became a different person to my siblings.  She got a kind of relief from unloading onto me the way that she did.  I believe that in her case she may actually split off/dissociate so that it is literally like she is two people.  I can't count how many times growing up, after an incident with her I would approach her, trying to talk about what happened to try and clarify the situation (because she usually decided I was doing something I wasn't, or was told by siblings something like that because they figured out that they could get away with setting me up and telling her I was being mean or something and they knew she would fly into a rage at me without letting me explain myself), and she would look at me and say, "I don't know what you're talking about.  I didn't do that/say that."  Often with narcissism this is done deliberately to screw with the kid's head and make them doubt their judgment so that the parent can continually exert control over and manipulate them.  This is called gaslighting.  I think my mother does that and then takes it a step further by compartmentalizing it so well that she convinces herself that she never did or said what she did, and that is how she deals with guilt.

    There are a lot of people in the online support group I'm a part of whose narc parent is also Borderline. They are both personality disorders.  I'm not sure what the thread is that connects the two sometimes; it may be that since narcissism encompasses a spectrum, Borderline falls on there somewhere.  Sociopath is on the extreme end.

    Realizing that my mother went through difficult things herself as a child caused me to stay in denial longer.  I tried to have compassion for her and tried so hard to see things from her point of view, to make things work, etc.  I spent so many years doing "detective work" to try and understand my mother's actions.  I went through phases where I put her on a pedestal, telling myself that I admired her for everything she had come through and so I couldn't judge her for how she acted; because of this sometimes I even justified or defended her actions. This was a HUGE misstep on my part.  Without realizing it, I put my children in harm's way because I didn't have strong boundaries.  I did myself a real disservice by believing that I shouldn't judge or trust myself, because in so doing it took me longer to assign blame for various things where it truly belonged. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect person who is without fault because I have made plenty of mistakes and bad judgment calls along the way, but on matters where I was victimized I accepted the blame for far too long.

    It is so interesting to me how clearly you can see the generational pattern in this.  Dr. Karyl McBride, who authored a great book for daughters of narcissistic mothers called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" addresses this and says that in order for the patterns to stop being handed down generationally, it takes someone recognizing what is going on, making the decision to not repeat the behaviors, and then deciding to do their healing work.  Children of narcissists often pick up some narcissistic traits (and it is normal for EVERYONE to have some) because of the rejection we experienced growing up and felt so keenly. We still have that sense of acceptance missing inside of us, and so it extends into many areas of our lives as adults.  It's easy to see why the pattern repeats over and over again otherwise.  There is such a strong sense of denial of the "elephant in the room" among family members that a lot of times no one acknowledges that there is a problem.  They don't want to rock the boat and so they play their part.  And then they do the same thing when they have their families, because that is what they know.

    When I was going through some of my darkest times in therapy a number of years ago, I had an experience where I had the words come clearly to my mind that I was sent to absorb the abuse and not let it continue through my branch of the family.  Knowing that has helped me to make some hard choices and also helped me to be willing to take a look at the way I was parenting and relearn, since I didn't have healthy patterns to follow.  When I read Dr. McBride's book I was really struck by the fact that she emphasizes breaking the cycle, because that has been my driving force.  I haven't done it perfectly but I have tried my hardest.  I'm thankful that I have more support and resources now to help me.

    Besides at least one scapegoat, there is also always a Golden Child in the narcissistic family, who is the "favored one."  I think this dynamic manifests in a variety of ways.  In my family, my mother absolutely has to have someone in the doghouse, and so we have all been vying for the Golden Child role.  She always has to be mad at someone.  I got sucked into thinking I was developing a close relationship with her back when we lived out of state when she started calling me regularly to "ask for advice" about one or more of my siblings. She would then go on and on about things they were doing that were upsetting her.  I felt complimented that she felt like she could turn to me and that we were developing this close relationship. It took me awhile to realize what she was doing, which was to pit us kids against each other and get someone to do her dirty work for her.  I think all of my siblings have experienced the same thing to some extent.  Being in favor is definitely an easier place to be with her, but then I realized after awhile that I only enjoyed that as long as I agreed with everything she was saying and took her side on everything.  I was never comfortable with the trash talking, but if I ventured to try and help her see possibilities from the other side or to defend whomever she was trash talking, she would get mad, like I had no business talking to her like that. When that happened I would find myself in the doghouse, probably being the one getting trashed.  I think I had the main scapegoat role growing up, with the brother just younger than me also getting a good amount of it as the oldest boy (I have four brothers after me and my sister is the youngest).

    My sister unequivocally has the Golden Child role.  She was the long-awaited girl after four boys and was the daughter do-over.  My mother is literally a different person with her than she is with me. I've noticed an interesting dynamic in the family where there are little cliques among my siblings and their families, and everyone likes to be around my sister.  She is awesome and gets along with everyone.  My sibs that put themselves out there as the "cool" ones include her in their interactions.  Both me and the brother just younger than me are shunned quite a bit, as is the youngest brother (who was bullied and teased by the other brothers growing up).  It occurred to me that on some level they probably aren't even aware of, being "in" with my sister puts them in a better position in the family because she gets the best treatment, if that makes sense. The ones in favor and the ones out of favor; the reverse of guilt by association.

    The past couple of months have been kind of grueling for me.  I've got a long way to go still, but feel that I will eventually be able to move into a place of joy.  There are members on that other group who have testified of that and have shared some great experiences. They had to go through the hard first in order to get there, though, so I'm finding it very strengthening to have their insights and support.  I'm very thankful to have the knowledge and additional resources that I have now to help me in my healing process.

"Let It Go" Music Video

    Have you seen the newest Disney animated movie "Frozen?"  I saw it a few weeks ago and wow, it struck a chord with me.  I found it to be very empowering, especially the song "Let It Go," sung by the Princess Elsa, who has had to hide behind closed doors to conceal her natural gifts.  Because of this, she has been afraid to let people see who she is and to "live out loud" in the full beauty and majesty that is her.

    So many people have loved this movie.  I think this resonates in a way with just about everyone on some level.  For me, as I watched her as she sang this song, I could imagine myself breaking through chains of fear and feeling free to simply be my true self.  My chains are fear of how my mother would react and letting myself be repressed.  Here is the music video; I hope you enjoy it!  The second link is the Demi Lovato version, which I also love.  I have great respect for her personal life's journey and the adversities she has come through.

Let It Go (Version played in the movie Frozen)


Let It Go; Demi Lovato

Back on Medication

    Over the years I have been on and off medications, not because of being unwilling to take them or being irresponsible, but because I have gone through periods of time where I have done well without them.  For me these seem to coincide with times that follow making significant progress in my processing of traumatic events and reaching another level of healing.  I have wanted to do without medications as much as possible.

    That said, about six years ago when things were at their worst with some really heavy-duty repressed memories that were coming up, I needed the buffer of the medications because of how traumatic the things were that were coming up.  Something is going with me again; I've been very triggered for the past several days and I haven't figured out what's going on yet, but I've felt myself spiraling downward again, feeling exhausted but avoiding sleep/not sleeping well, generalized anxiety and worry, etc.  The triggered state was at its worst on Saturday, and after the major episode I had the hardest time focusing on anything, from reading to attending to what someone was saying to me to difficulty verbalizing my own thoughts or formulating responses to things people were saying to me.  I haven't had this happen in a really, really long time and it took me back at least six or seven years to one of my darkest periods.

    I went into the dr. today and am going back on Wellbutrin, as well an anti-anxiety medication to use as needed for extreme anxiety, panic attacks, etc.  On some levels I feel really frustrated with this, but I also know it's the right thing for now.  Either my system is ready to release more repressed stuff or I am far more terrified at the prospect of initiating no contact with my mother than I have acknowledged.  I think things are headed that direction and just thinking about it makes me feel upset.  I actually wish I was living in a state of no contact; it's the process of getting there that I'm dreading.  Tomorrow I am also calling a therapist one of my friends recommended to me who is female, gets narcissism, accepts and "gets" what complex PTSD is and has helped my friend a lot.  I feel like I need the extra support as I go through the process of deciding how best to handle my particular situation.  Sometimes I've felt like shooting off a No Contact letter, but keep having the feeling that I need to do it with the support and guidance of an experienced counselor.

    Tonight I have felt so depressed and discouraged, like nothing will ever get better.  I have put so much work into trying to move forward in my life and to be a happy person.  I want a life of abundance and joy.  I've tried to put my personal hurts aside and look for ways to do good in the world and help other people.  Right now it feels like it's all for naught.  I've had times over the past few weeks that I've felt very self-destructive and like I just want to die. I feel like my family would be better off without me and that I am all the failures my parents told me I would be one day if I didn't measure up to certain things.

   So. . .back on the ride.  Here we go again.  And somehow I need to do this and not completely neglect my family.

How Early Maternal Bonding and Trauma Affect Nervous System Development; The Link to Chronic Illness and Physical Responses to Stress

    I found this site almost by accident earlier last year; this was before I made the narcissism connection.  It gave me some unexpected answers as to why my body responds the way it does to stress.  For the longest time I would refer to this thing that would happen to me that I called "freezing" where internally I felt paralyzed and couldn't do anything.

    She talks about the role maternal bonding plays in the development of the nervous system, even while the baby is still in the womb.  It doesn't finish developing until age 6, I think (it's been awhile since I read through all of this and I'm dealing with a lot of brain fog right now, so I may be wrong on the exact age).  Lack of emotional bonding in utero causes the baby's nervous system to already be underdeveloped at birth, and trauma in utero and in early childhood further disrupts that development.  Finding this gave me a lot of "aha" moments that helped me to make sense of physical responses I've had throughout adulthood that didn't make sense to me.  When the freeze responses started I had trouble even doing my dishes and did a lot of guilting, telling myself I was lazy and just not wanting to get things done.

    The link I'm providing  takes you to a page that gives kind of an overview, and then if you click on the links on the left sidebar you'll find more information.  When you click on "theory" it will put up more links that explain the responses.

    I've been told that my mother had no emotional connection to me whatsoever when she was pregnant with me.  After delivery she just wanted to sleep, and back then they just whisked the babies back to the nursery anyway. I have a lot of indications that she didn't rock me, etc. and was frustrated when I cried a lot (my stomach hurt all the time.  I actually have a memory of standing in my crib crying and her coming in and scolding me to stop). By age three I had been sexually abused at least once (but I strongly suspect I had been on multiple occasions by that time), and when I was four and a half I was raped by one of my uncles (father's half brother).  All this in addition to being yelled at and belittled all. the. time. So it makes sense that not only was I born with an underdeveloped nervous system, but the further development that takes place after birth was disrupted not just once from a traumatic event but many times.

    A lot of things clicked when I read all of this.  My fight or flight response was always activated and so as an adult it can get triggered by seemingly small stressors, registering those smaller things as much bigger issues than they are.  When this happens it elicits some of the extreme responses she talks about.  This was the first time I had seen the term "freeze" used and to describe what happens to me.

http://www.veroniquemead.com/somatic_bkgd.php

Link To a Good Overview on Emotional Abuse and More About Me

   Today I was checking posts on a recovery group I belong to, and one of the members posted this link explaining emotional abuse. This explains it so well, and also has a link to a pdf workbook you can print for free, so I thought I'd share it here.

http://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/what-is-emotional-child-abuse/

   There are so many aspects to the types of abuse I went through growing up that sometimes it feels overwhelming, like "which one should I be working on right now?"  As the author on this blog points out, though, and I hadn't really thought about this before, emotional abuse comes into play with every other kind of abuse. Demoralizing and devaluing a child and making them feel unworthy and like they can't trust what their sensibilities tell them totally primes them for other types of abuse.

   Here is a rundown of the types of abuse I survived:

*Narcissistic Parental Abuse (I was put in scapegoat role)

*Emotional Abuse

*Physical Abuse

*Sexual Abuse

. . .and as a result of all of that, as an adult I now deal with a form of PTSD called Complex PTSD.  I didn't know for the longest time that I had PTSD, and once I started connecting the dots it made sense of difficulties I have had in functioning as an adult.  I "freeze" a lot, and this affects how well I do with keeping up with housework (which I am only recently realizing is a huge trigger for me in and of itself) and other day-to-day things.  I go through periods of times where I do better than others, but for the most part that is really hard for me.

    In addition, besides my own issues, I am married to a wonderful, kind, sweet man who loves me and also has PTSD.  That particular aspect was identified a long time before I realized that PTSD was part of my puzzle, as well; for a long time mine was referred to as "depression."  He is a survivor of satanic ritual abuse (I refuse to capitalize that), which encompasses every other kind of abuse in the systematic, deliberate horrors its perpetrators force upon its child victims to the nth degree. Besides the abuses I have listed above, these victims are also terrorized in more unspeakable ways which include being forced to witness human and animal sacrifice, and sometimes being taken to the brink of death themselves.  My husband was drowned and then recuscitated repeatedly as part of this. As a result of how absolutely horrific all of this was, his PTSD extends into a dissociative disorder. It's a strange feeling to be in both the role of supporter and the one in need of support; when he's having a really bad time I feel like I have to put all my stuff on the back burner to make sure he is okay. Sometimes I wonder how our marriage works, but it does.  We have had to do some adjusting and tweaking along the way and I am having to learn to not fall into a codependent role.  Something that helps, and a blessing I am thankful for, is that we are never down at our lowest at the same time.  The one that is doing the best during the other's dark times pulls up more slack and we manage to keep some balance.  I have been really thankful for this--he pitches in more with housework, etc. during my "freeze" periods and never gives me a hard time about what I don't get done.

    We have two fantastic children.  I am so thankful for them and for the kinds of people they are, for the kinds of people they CHOOSE to be.  As the children of two people who survived trauma and have PTSD they have seen a lot of low points where Mom or Dad isn't doing too swell. They are both young adults who are doing great things with their lives. They are both very strong people who have also endured hard things they shouldn't have as a result of having us as their parents.

    My hope and prayer is that I, my husband, and our children will be able to reach a place of peace and healing in our lives so that this cycle can be broken once and for all on this branch of the family tree.  Not only for future generations, but for US, as well. I have great hope that we can achieve that.

    You know what, I think this is the first time I have just matter-of-factly said up front what all of my issues are, as well as what my husband deals with.  It feels pretty good to be able to just say it like it is; unfortunately, this isn't the kind of stuff you can just share with people.