Back on Medication

    Over the years I have been on and off medications, not because of being unwilling to take them or being irresponsible, but because I have gone through periods of time where I have done well without them.  For me these seem to coincide with times that follow making significant progress in my processing of traumatic events and reaching another level of healing.  I have wanted to do without medications as much as possible.

    That said, about six years ago when things were at their worst with some really heavy-duty repressed memories that were coming up, I needed the buffer of the medications because of how traumatic the things were that were coming up.  Something is going with me again; I've been very triggered for the past several days and I haven't figured out what's going on yet, but I've felt myself spiraling downward again, feeling exhausted but avoiding sleep/not sleeping well, generalized anxiety and worry, etc.  The triggered state was at its worst on Saturday, and after the major episode I had the hardest time focusing on anything, from reading to attending to what someone was saying to me to difficulty verbalizing my own thoughts or formulating responses to things people were saying to me.  I haven't had this happen in a really, really long time and it took me back at least six or seven years to one of my darkest periods.

    I went into the dr. today and am going back on Wellbutrin, as well an anti-anxiety medication to use as needed for extreme anxiety, panic attacks, etc.  On some levels I feel really frustrated with this, but I also know it's the right thing for now.  Either my system is ready to release more repressed stuff or I am far more terrified at the prospect of initiating no contact with my mother than I have acknowledged.  I think things are headed that direction and just thinking about it makes me feel upset.  I actually wish I was living in a state of no contact; it's the process of getting there that I'm dreading.  Tomorrow I am also calling a therapist one of my friends recommended to me who is female, gets narcissism, accepts and "gets" what complex PTSD is and has helped my friend a lot.  I feel like I need the extra support as I go through the process of deciding how best to handle my particular situation.  Sometimes I've felt like shooting off a No Contact letter, but keep having the feeling that I need to do it with the support and guidance of an experienced counselor.

    Tonight I have felt so depressed and discouraged, like nothing will ever get better.  I have put so much work into trying to move forward in my life and to be a happy person.  I want a life of abundance and joy.  I've tried to put my personal hurts aside and look for ways to do good in the world and help other people.  Right now it feels like it's all for naught.  I've had times over the past few weeks that I've felt very self-destructive and like I just want to die. I feel like my family would be better off without me and that I am all the failures my parents told me I would be one day if I didn't measure up to certain things.

   So. . .back on the ride.  Here we go again.  And somehow I need to do this and not completely neglect my family.