One of the things that has been baffling for me to distinguish has been identifying whether I'm getting true intuition/guidance from higher power or just being a paranoid worrywart when I get a feeling of warning about something. Usually my gut feelings are pretty much right on, but I have had a few times where I've absolutely been wrong (at least from anything I've been able to determine from what is visible).
In my last post I referred to an incident of "mom-worry." This happened several weeks ago. I wasn't sure what to make of it afterward. I had a hard time trusting my initial feelings of unease for a long time and would second-guess those feelings, which I know now put my children in harm's way (like letting my mom have access to them because of wanting to give her a chance to be a grandmother to them and have her be a significant part of their lives) more than once. My counselor explained to me that your body is designed to let you know when there is danger, but when you are abused you learn to not trust that and it gets screwed up. I can totally see where it first got messed up because of my mom's games and cruelty; it was further damaged by various kinds of abuse from other people, as well, when I was young. For most of my life I heard, "You're so suspicious/paranoid/over-reactive," so as an adult when I've had those feelings my first inclination, if not impulsively freaking out unnecessarily, I've second-guessed by telling myself I'm just being a worry-wart.
With the incident that happened several weeks ago, I turned out to be wrong. The conclusions I drew were really scary and when I acted on the push I felt to go and check on the person I couldn't find them and it made things worse for me internally. I had the biggest adrenaline surge and truly thought there was an assault going on; even after eating I felt like my blood sugar was low. I had not had this drastic of a response in a really long time; after the fact it reminded me of another time just before my daughter's 3rd grade year when I thought I was prompted about something where I think it turned out that I was wrong. I have felt completely lost on how to distinguish when that is going on versus when action is called for.
I asked for suggestions on this and got a lot of good responses. Collectively it was generally agreed that it's better to act on those feelings when they come than to ignore them; better safe than sorry. Most of the time there is probably a reason you are feeling that way, and better to not beat yourself up for the times when you are wrong. One of the members said that when she has total peace about something then she knows it is her true intuition, the whisper from her Higher Power whom she chooses to call God, that is working in and through her. When she has anxiety, doubt, fear, feeling of unrest then she knows it's her PTSD. A lot of the other posters agreed with her. I remember the first time many years ago when I started to realize that maybe I was having far more fear responses than "promptings" that something was wrong or not to do something when I was sitting in church one day and during one of the lessons they said that fear is never of the Spirit.
Still working through this, and it will probably take me quite awhile to get it right. It's hard to wrap my head around how getting a prompting regarding someone being in danger, etc. wouldn't involve a feeling of fear or similar negative feeling, because in those instances something is wrong. I can't see how that would involve a feeling of peace. Added to the mix for me is the fact that I really never felt a sense of everything being okay as I was growing up because there was so much emotional upheaval on an ongoing basis. I was always stepping on eggshells; if I didn't tread carefully I was in for it. So it is really hard to not view the world around me with anxiety, some amount of fear and distrust, etc.
If you feel so inclined, I would love comments about this (and any other post). I think this is an area of common difficulty among those of us who deal with PTSD, and it would be great to have additional thoughts and insights so that we can all learn from each other. So if you feel so inclined, feel free to chime in on comments (this is always welcome on any post, so long as comments are respectful).
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