The brother just younger than me is currently really struggling with a lot of aspects to his life and I have felt very worried about him for several months. We haven't interacted a lot, especially over the past year and a half or so since the family started freezing me out, but I've had the recurring thought that something is wrong. I think he may be dealing with really severe depression; the signs are all over the place.
Sometimes I have the thought that maybe I should write him a letter and tell him what happened to me, minus details he doesn't need to know, and let him know that he was there when it happened. It's very possible that besides sensing something was wrong, he may have seen the rape because his crib was next to the bed. It's also possible that he was molested. If I did this, I wouldn't tell him I thought he may have been abused this way as well, because I know how hard it is to get to the point where you are willing to look at that possibility; even when the signs are staring you in the face. There is also a deeper impact for males, I believe--or maybe just a different impact, because as a society this kind of abuse is associated with happening to females. Also there is a very strong stereotype where men are supposed to be the strong sex and so they should be impervious to this kind of violation. Therefore, being a victim of something like this and admitting it might seem, to the victim, to be an admission of being weak or that something is inherently wrong with them. This, of course, is utterly false, but because of this stereotype many males who do know it happened stay quiet about it and don't get the help they need. A lot of times they think they should just be able to handle it and move on. I think that's the case for all victims, but it seems to me that that dynamic must be a lot stronger for males. My husband is also a survivor and it took him a lot longer to decide he needed help than I did, so to an extent I've seen how that process works with men.
As we were talking one evening, I expressed to my daughter that I have been worried about him and it's crossed my mind more than once that he may have been sexually abused, too, and she said, "That would explain a lot because you and he have a similar energy about you that the rest of your siblings don't have." He and I have always been treated as outcasts compared to the way the rest of my siblings interact. Part of that could be the "oldest" role that we both play--I'm the oldest child, but he is the oldest of four boys. My dad would have put a lot more pressure on him than the rest of the boys, and there are resentments there on the part of some of the younger sibs towards us, I think. I'm sure part of that comes from being jealous at the older ones getting to do certain things first, and as the oldest I was put in charge of the other kids All. The. Time. My brother would have been Choice #2 for that role if I was at my dance lessons or otherwise not around to be the substitute parent.
The only way he and I could hope to have the approval of our parents was to try and measure up to the kinds of pressure that were put on us, hoping we would get a pat on the back and nod of approval. Add to that the abuse issues and you have no idea how intense the pressure is. It literally is like something is pressing down on you all the time, and you have to push against it just to stay upright. For some reason, from Brother #2 down, the rules changed. It's so weird to me.
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