As I alluded to in my last post, my husband and I attended a funeral service on Saturday for one of my uncles (husband of one of my dad's sisters). He was in his 70s and died in his sleep; pretty good way to go, to my way of thinking--although I would probably like to be a little older when I go (if I'm in reasonably good health and not a burden to my children). My dad was one of nine children and we used to have summer and Christmas family reunions; you can imagine that with that size of a family all having their own families, that always meant a LOT of people. There were also a lot of bridal and baby showers. I had a lot of anxiety when it came to being in large groups of people, especially if I didn't know them well. This aunt and uncle were always very kind and I felt calmer around them. I really didn't know them super well outside of family events because we lived in a different city than most of my dad's siblings as we were growing up. Since I can't say we had a close relationship, I didn't really feel a lot of personal grief; I went to the funeral to show support for my aunt and cousins. My father passed away 21 years ago so I know what it feels like to lose a parent.
When we got there we headed to the room where they were having the viewing and as we were waiting in line I saw my mother inside and thought, "Great. She's already here." I was kind of hoping to be seated, etc. before she arrived. The last funeral we had was for one of my cousin's husbands and my sister and I went up with her and she just kind of sat off to the side and waited for people to come to her. She acted annoyed when I left the three chairs we were sitting on to go and interact with some of my cousins and say hello to people. It's funny; she always complains about these family functions being clannish and that no one breaks out of their individual family groups to sit by anyone else, but then when I do it she acts weird. This time she seemed pretty animated and smiley. She came out as we were signing the book to go in and I just didn't look her way. She went and sat in the foyer of the church with one of my brothers, his wife and son. After my husband and I gave our condolences we mingled to say hello to cousins, aunts, etc.
Then I saw a face I hadn't seen for quite a number of years and decided I needed to find a restroom. I can't believe I didn't consider that he might be there. An uncle who lives out of state and hardly ever comes this way. The last time I saw him was at an aunt's funeral several years ago and everyone made a big deal, saying, "Did you see that Uncle So-and-so is here?" When it happened at that aunt's funeral I froze and felt kind of sick to my stomach, not wanting him to see me. But then I decided for some reason that I needed for him to know that I wasn't scared of him so I marched up to him and said, "Do you remember me? I'm ______" and gave him a hug. He was very uncomfortable. Right after that is when I started having memories surface of him abusing me, and I spent a LOT of time in therapy dealing with that, doing memory work, trying to trust myself and going in circles between denial and acceptance.
As we were headed to the bathroom, we of course had to acknowledge my mother who was in the foyer and I was really amazed at how normal she acted, smiling and acting like we are just the best pals ever, a far cry from the cold and distant woman who has been freezing me out for the past year and a half as we have dealt with our daughter's health problems. Rather than support she has acted like we've been lying or exaggerating, and using that as an excuse to not come to her house for family dinners and the like. This past holiday season was horrible and illustrated plainly to me just how vindictive she can be if she doesn't get her way on something, regardless of the circumstances. Anyway, that is a story for another post, maybe. This time I just kind of played a long and told her I liked her pink sweater and she said I looked nice. My husband said I gave him quite the look over her shoulder. After we left the restrooms we went back into the viewing area to be there for the family prayer (I also didn't want to hang out in the foyer with my mom). I got talking to one of my cousins who then pulled the aforesaid uncle over to us and said, "Uncle So-and-so, you remember ________ (me), don't you?" and I was completely floored at how natural the uncle acted. I had no intention of going in for a hug but he did, and although I returned the embrace I definitely had a wall up and he could only get so far. Afterward I thought, "It is weird that I don't feel more freaked out."
As I watched my mom and this uncle, I was really struck by how NORMAL they looked and acted. They didn't look like they have been wrestling with a guilty conscience, they didn't look like older age has been unkind to them as a consequence of the terrible things they have done. My mom looked great. He looked good. They seemed happy. This is probably what bothered me the most when the shock set in AFTER the funeral was over. It doesn't seem right that they should fit in so well with everyone else and look so normal. It strikes me that this is one of the freakiest aspects of abusers--they don't look like bad guys. They don't act like bad guys. It is so covert and secret. They must do some serious compartmentalizing to be able to do those kinds of things and then just move on like nothing ever happened. It's so weird to me.
During the funeral service my cousins (children of the deceased) each spoke and gave tribute and it seemed very evident that they loved their father very much. It seems that their family functions well and they actually like each other. As they spoke about learning experiences they had growing up it was very evident that this was a father who treated his family with love and respect, and guided them in that way, as well. I sat there and wondered what it's going to be like when my mom passes away. I've wondered this many times and I really have no idea how it's going to be for me. I did make a decision quite awhile ago that I am not going to be the one to organize everything, and I am not planning on speaking. I don't know if I'll be sad or relieved that she is gone. The legacy that my mother is leaving behind so far is a very sad one in many ways. She has left so much pain in her wake, which includes fractured relationships between me and my siblings, because of the way she gossips and spins whatever she is saying in a way that casts her in a noble light--whether it's correct or not. Our home growing up was one with a lot of yelling, belittlement, beating and threatening, and using fear and anger to control.
So when that time comes, do I play the game and contribute to the facade? My plan so far is to attend but to be there quietly and graciously thank people for coming. I know people in similar parental situations who have chosen not to attend their parent's funeral because of where they are in their healing and they deal with backlash from the other family members. I don't think the backlash would be worth it to me personally to stay away, so I don't think I will choose that option, but I don't think I can sit and act like she was this wonderful, giving person (something I will hear from her church congregation because she puts on quite the show where church is concerned). It's so sad that I am even having to consider these things.
What a legacy.
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