When Mothers are Jealous of Their Daughters

    I was perusing Dr. Karyl McBride's blog (she is the author of the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" about daughters of narcissistic mothers) today and ran across this article.  This is an issue that has colored an awful lot of my relationship with my mother.  It was really baffling having this dynamic as I was growing up and I had the sense a lot of times that she was jealous of me, but then I would think, "Who do you think you are?  You think you are THAT great?!!" because it just didn't make sense.  Now on hindsight and understanding the narcissistic angle, it makes sense.  It's still strange to me and so, so sad.  It hurts a LOT during your grownup years to have a mother that on one hand put an incredible amount of pressure on to be a performer and make a good impression, yet have that same mother tear you down when you do have successes. There are a lot of things that I can bring up in regards to this, but I mostly wanted to share the link for others to have access to here.

    I will say this:  I've come to understand over the past year that my mother was jealous of me, even as a tiny little girl.  She wanted to be everything to my dad and when I was born and she saw how much he adored me, she was jealous.  To her, I was taking something away that was hers.  I think it is very possible that she felt pressure from my dad to get pregnant when she did, and I don't think she was emotionally ready (maybe she never would have been truly ready, I don't know).  As I've mentioned before, I am the first child.  I was born a little over a year after they were married. I've heard the story many times that my dad would come home from work to find her playing with her dolls and he said, "You need a baby."  I don't think he meant it in a mean way; he probably thought it was cute and that a baby would fulfill whatever need was associated with her playing with dolls.  I have had a really strong sense, more than once, that when I was born she saw me as competition for his affections.  I think this affected not only the way she treated me, but how my dad responded to me.  He probably felt like he needed to reign in how much affection he showed if she lashed out at him. I also have a memory of her smothering me with a pillow when I was very small.  I don't know what induced the rage, but I have had the sense that when she snapped out of it and came to a realization of what she was doing she realized that if my dad knew he wouldn't want anything to do with her.  So I believe that other than jealousy, there was also this thing where every time she looked at me she saw her guilt.  She used to say weird things to me as I was growing up, like babies have no memory; you can do anything to them and it just hurts for a minute and then they forget.  I can't help but wonder if that was a kind of reinforcement for me to not remember the incident.

    There are quite a few things in this vein that will probably come out in future posts, so I won't ramble on and make a list of jealousies here.  Here is the link to Dr. McBride's article:

Mothers Who are Jealous of Their Daughters

Malice vs. Ignorance; Hard to Tell With a Narc

    Yesterday I took part in a discussion that ensued from the following quote: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." (I personally prefer the word ignorance over stupidity.) The person opening the discussion asked if we could think of situations with our narcissistic parents where this may have applied to more than the narcissism itself and I found the discussion very thought-provoking.  It was pointed out that often people act out, ignorant to the way their actions are affecting other people.  Also that early in parenthood, mistakes are made in ignorance because the person thinks that that is just the way things are done because that's the way their parents did it.  An example that was used was the overuse of spanking and how for a lot of people that was just the go-to response when a child misbehaved.

    When narcissism is part of the mix, you do experience many instances of things being done maliciously and so it's easy to lump all the bad experiences into the same category of "malicious."  As I thought about this it brought to mind a few bizarre experiences I had with my mother that didn't make sense to me at the time, and I've been reminded of the phenomenon of the narcissistic wound, well explained at this link:

 Narcissistic Injury

    With someone like my mother, any perceived threat elicits a rage response.  It doesn't matter whether that perceived threat is real or not and it can come from something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.  My mother is like a wounded animal who has so much personal unresolved pain but if you try and get too close to her, she'll strike out at you over what she PERCEIVES to be an attack.  Sometimes she is malicious but I think a lot of her acting out is rooted in always being on alert for attack.

    Looking at the overuse of spanking as an example--in my mom's case, she took personal offense to my husband and I choosing other methods first when discipline was called for with our children.  I never said, "You were a bad mom for spanking me," but she took it as a personal attack that I was choosing to simply do something differently than how she did it.  The same thing applied when I chose to nurse when I had my first baby.  She had no desire to nurse, and often made derogatory remarks about women who did when I was growing up.  Nursing is something I wanted to experience, and so that is the choice I made and she had the same internal response to that as the one I described about her having at us attempting to discipline our children differently.  When my husband called her to tell her the baby was here, one of the first things she asked was if I was nursing.  He replied that I was and she asked how it was going, with this tone that made it really obvious that it was a given that it was a horrible experience.  He said, "It's going really well and she absolutely loves it!"  She said nothing.  It seemed to bother her that not only was I trying it but that it was going well.  When we came to visit (we lived out of state) she treated me like I was dirty for nursing my baby.

    I had a really bizarre experience when we first moved back here to where I grew up and lived with her while we got settled (biggest mistake ever).  One day my daughter, who had just turned four, was acting up. I looked at my mom and said something along the lines of, "I promise we don't encourage this."  I addressed the issue with my daughter by telling her she needed to stop (we had chosen as parents to do that first as kind of a warning, and then if the behavior persisted we would do a timeout or whatever).  I had to go downstairs for something, I think I was making the beds, and all of a sudden my mom was down there in my face, very angry.  She had a lot of malice in her voice when she said, "With that situation upstairs were you insinuating that I was a terrible mother because I spanked you?" and proceeded to scream at me for about 10 minutes.  When I tried to clarify and defend myself she just got angrier.  I was completely bewildered at how she came up with that because I wasn't insinuating anything personal to her.

    Here is another example:  My daughter, now a young adult, suffers from severe multiple food allergies and it wasn't discovered that this is what was causing her some serious, pervasive health problems until she was about 18, with the worst allergy not being completely understood or identified until she was 19.  Almost two years ago I went to lunch with my mom, and as we were eating I was telling her about what we were finding out.  I was really distressed because the extent of what was wrong was so overwhelming.  I had to relearn how to cook and was on a really steep learning curve for identifying safe food sources because of all the hidden sources one of the allergies presents.  My daughter was dangerously sick and I needed someone to talk to.  You are supposed to be able to turn to your mother during times of distress for support and comfort.  Instead she monopolized the conversation and started rambling about other people she knew who had had to have carpets, etc. removed from their home and I could hardly get a word in edgewise.  A little later in the conversation I mentioned that as I had studied and learned about her allergies I had started to make connections between some physical symptoms I had had for years that didn't make sense and possible undetected food allergies in myself.  I had testing done and I was correct. As I was sharing this with my mother, all of a sudden there was this cold silence and she stopped talking.  I was pretty bewildered.  She was cold for the rest of the time, including in the car as I drove to take her back home. Then it occurred to me that she was taking me sharing what I had figured out about myself as a personal assault on her parenting.  I was labeled a "picky eater" and was forced to eat food that I found repulsive, to the point that I sat at the table for hours sometimes trying to make myself eat the food on my plate.  I was then told I was a bad girl because I was being stubborn and was whipped and had things taken away from me.  As I made the connection on my food sensitivities and had my own testing done, I realized that I was intuitively turning away from food that hurt me.  This was an amazing discovery to me.  In sharing this with her I didn't accuse her of being a bad parent and I didn't get into all the whipping, etc. but I did mention that I felt that I was instinctively not wanting to eat food that hurt me.  From all of that, instead of having an "aha" moment herself (which could be beneficial to her because based on what I've experienced I think it is very possible she has food allergies herself) she became defensive and enraged that I would dare blame my problems on her.  This was the beginning of what has become a horrible two years of coldness and unkindness during a time when our daughter, as well as my husband and I, were in need of kindness, love and support.  I will write about this in more detail in a future post.

    My mother used to tell me all the time as I was growing up that someday when I was a mother myself, I would understand how hard it was and I would be just like her.  Well, I'm not.  And I guess it has bothered her that her prophecy didn't come true.

From One Scapegoat to Another; a Conversation About Narcissism

    A few days ago I was blessed to be able to draw on my experiences to help a friend.  I have to say that when this happens, it helps me to make some sense out of what I have been through.  Besides breaking the cycle of abuse that has existed in my family for generations, especially on my mother's side, the only thing that gives me a sense of purpose in it is when I am able to help other people who are navigating similar challenges through the things I've learned so far in my healing process.  I don't know if this gives me a sense of self-importance; I suppose that is in there to a degree, but if it is I believe it's largely due to the fact that I felt so insignificant and passed over for so much of my life.  Everyone needs to know that they are important, and when I am able to help someone it does fill that need to an extent for me.  I don't think that is all there is to it, though--I genuinely care about people and it truly makes me happy to see other people become happier, and if I am blessed to be a part of it the feeling is amazing.

    This friend was talking about some dynamics going on in her family that sounded very much to me like she is dealing with a narcissistic family system in her family of origin, and finds herself put in scapegoat role.  I've thought this a few times when we've talked and sent her some information several months ago, but I don't think she was completely ready for it.  This time she was talking about some realization she had made, including the fact that no one in her family truly cares about her enough to try and make relationships work. For a long time she's been wondering what is wrong with her, and I have to say that she is someone who I consider to be very lovely, talented, and a dedicated wife and mother who is very good at seeing the big picture as she guides her children through life experiences.  We don't live in the same immediate area, so most of our correspondence is in writing.  I kept having the persistent feeling that I needed to share information with her again (I had actually forgotten that I had already tried before). I wanted to be sure that I wasn't projecting my own issues into what she had shared and so didn't act immediately when I had that feeling, but it persisted and so I did, including some links for her to go to on scapegoating and the narcissistic family.  We ended up having some great back and forth conversation, and I decided to share here what I shared with her, since I haven't done a post on narcissism here up to this point. I've needed to get this out but it's very draining, so since I put all the time in to what I shared with her, it makes sense to use it for this post.  I'm not going to include her part of the conversation and am paraphrasing quite a bit on my part to fill in the gaps, but taking from that to illustrate some of the dynamics that have gone on in my family of origin. With that, I share the following:

    In order to fully understand why you are treated the way you are when you are a product of a narcissistic family system, it's important to understand the family dynamics.  I had some epiphanies last year from some realizations I had about the way my family of origin (FOO) functions and how that related to the treatment I have received over the years and continue to receive, especially from my mother.  Figuring this out gave so much clarity to the situation; up until then I kept thinking everything was my fault and was constantly put in the position of being the one taking the fall for things or feeling like I needed to make things right, even with no efforts being made on their part.  In my family, my mother is a malignant narcissist and my father (now deceased) enabled her behavior.  In some families that have this dynamic, it's the opposite and in some, both parents are narcissists.  They can't "function" without a fall guy to dump their trash on, which is the scapegoat role,  Narcissists are literally incapable of true love and compassion, because everything is about them and how they project themselves outwardly to the rest of the world.  Therefore, family members simply play an assigned role in making that image happen, and to stay in favor with the narcissist the family members revolve around him or her.  Everything stems back to staying in favor or avoiding certain reactions or consequences for not complying to the way the narcissist wants things to be.

    I will say that finding these answers provided a LOT of relief for me because I realized that most of the stuff I got shouldered with was not mine, but other people's stuff that got projected onto me.  This affected my self-concept and a lot of other aspects of my life, as well as groomed me for further abuses.  On the one hand it's very freeing, but on the other hand it's a lot to take in, as well, and there is grief that comes with acceptance. It's hard to come to grips with some of the dynamics of this system.

    A common thread in narcissistic parents is that they went through abuse themselves and often endured very hard circumstances. They were the "black sheep" or felt rejected in other ways, and thus they become obsessed with how other people see them because of their insecurities.  When they have children, they don't see the children as individual beings with their own characteristics, abilities, likes and dislikes, etc.  They see them as an extension of themselves. 

  There is a really weird dynamic that goes on with the scapegoating. Even from the time the child(ren) are infants, they are looking for signs of weaknesses or characteristics that they despise in themselves.  Even if the child doesn't possess those traits, the parent decides that they do and treats them accordingly.  It's a kind of transferrance and it's like the child becomes their "trash can."  They dump their projected rage, rejection, withholding of affection, abuse, etc. onto the child and they then feel better.  In my mother's case, she did this to me and then actually became a different person to my siblings.  She got a kind of relief from unloading onto me the way that she did.  I believe that in her case she may actually split off/dissociate so that it is literally like she is two people.  I can't count how many times growing up, after an incident with her I would approach her, trying to talk about what happened to try and clarify the situation (because she usually decided I was doing something I wasn't, or was told by siblings something like that because they figured out that they could get away with setting me up and telling her I was being mean or something and they knew she would fly into a rage at me without letting me explain myself), and she would look at me and say, "I don't know what you're talking about.  I didn't do that/say that."  Often with narcissism this is done deliberately to screw with the kid's head and make them doubt their judgment so that the parent can continually exert control over and manipulate them.  This is called gaslighting.  I think my mother does that and then takes it a step further by compartmentalizing it so well that she convinces herself that she never did or said what she did, and that is how she deals with guilt.

    There are a lot of people in the online support group I'm a part of whose narc parent is also Borderline. They are both personality disorders.  I'm not sure what the thread is that connects the two sometimes; it may be that since narcissism encompasses a spectrum, Borderline falls on there somewhere.  Sociopath is on the extreme end.

    Realizing that my mother went through difficult things herself as a child caused me to stay in denial longer.  I tried to have compassion for her and tried so hard to see things from her point of view, to make things work, etc.  I spent so many years doing "detective work" to try and understand my mother's actions.  I went through phases where I put her on a pedestal, telling myself that I admired her for everything she had come through and so I couldn't judge her for how she acted; because of this sometimes I even justified or defended her actions. This was a HUGE misstep on my part.  Without realizing it, I put my children in harm's way because I didn't have strong boundaries.  I did myself a real disservice by believing that I shouldn't judge or trust myself, because in so doing it took me longer to assign blame for various things where it truly belonged. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect person who is without fault because I have made plenty of mistakes and bad judgment calls along the way, but on matters where I was victimized I accepted the blame for far too long.

    It is so interesting to me how clearly you can see the generational pattern in this.  Dr. Karyl McBride, who authored a great book for daughters of narcissistic mothers called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" addresses this and says that in order for the patterns to stop being handed down generationally, it takes someone recognizing what is going on, making the decision to not repeat the behaviors, and then deciding to do their healing work.  Children of narcissists often pick up some narcissistic traits (and it is normal for EVERYONE to have some) because of the rejection we experienced growing up and felt so keenly. We still have that sense of acceptance missing inside of us, and so it extends into many areas of our lives as adults.  It's easy to see why the pattern repeats over and over again otherwise.  There is such a strong sense of denial of the "elephant in the room" among family members that a lot of times no one acknowledges that there is a problem.  They don't want to rock the boat and so they play their part.  And then they do the same thing when they have their families, because that is what they know.

    When I was going through some of my darkest times in therapy a number of years ago, I had an experience where I had the words come clearly to my mind that I was sent to absorb the abuse and not let it continue through my branch of the family.  Knowing that has helped me to make some hard choices and also helped me to be willing to take a look at the way I was parenting and relearn, since I didn't have healthy patterns to follow.  When I read Dr. McBride's book I was really struck by the fact that she emphasizes breaking the cycle, because that has been my driving force.  I haven't done it perfectly but I have tried my hardest.  I'm thankful that I have more support and resources now to help me.

    Besides at least one scapegoat, there is also always a Golden Child in the narcissistic family, who is the "favored one."  I think this dynamic manifests in a variety of ways.  In my family, my mother absolutely has to have someone in the doghouse, and so we have all been vying for the Golden Child role.  She always has to be mad at someone.  I got sucked into thinking I was developing a close relationship with her back when we lived out of state when she started calling me regularly to "ask for advice" about one or more of my siblings. She would then go on and on about things they were doing that were upsetting her.  I felt complimented that she felt like she could turn to me and that we were developing this close relationship. It took me awhile to realize what she was doing, which was to pit us kids against each other and get someone to do her dirty work for her.  I think all of my siblings have experienced the same thing to some extent.  Being in favor is definitely an easier place to be with her, but then I realized after awhile that I only enjoyed that as long as I agreed with everything she was saying and took her side on everything.  I was never comfortable with the trash talking, but if I ventured to try and help her see possibilities from the other side or to defend whomever she was trash talking, she would get mad, like I had no business talking to her like that. When that happened I would find myself in the doghouse, probably being the one getting trashed.  I think I had the main scapegoat role growing up, with the brother just younger than me also getting a good amount of it as the oldest boy (I have four brothers after me and my sister is the youngest).

    My sister unequivocally has the Golden Child role.  She was the long-awaited girl after four boys and was the daughter do-over.  My mother is literally a different person with her than she is with me. I've noticed an interesting dynamic in the family where there are little cliques among my siblings and their families, and everyone likes to be around my sister.  She is awesome and gets along with everyone.  My sibs that put themselves out there as the "cool" ones include her in their interactions.  Both me and the brother just younger than me are shunned quite a bit, as is the youngest brother (who was bullied and teased by the other brothers growing up).  It occurred to me that on some level they probably aren't even aware of, being "in" with my sister puts them in a better position in the family because she gets the best treatment, if that makes sense. The ones in favor and the ones out of favor; the reverse of guilt by association.

    The past couple of months have been kind of grueling for me.  I've got a long way to go still, but feel that I will eventually be able to move into a place of joy.  There are members on that other group who have testified of that and have shared some great experiences. They had to go through the hard first in order to get there, though, so I'm finding it very strengthening to have their insights and support.  I'm very thankful to have the knowledge and additional resources that I have now to help me in my healing process.